


Self-Inserts Are Tired Of The Bullshit

by Rosesarered_Ihaveawii_noonecaresaboutme



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Original Character(s), Self-Insert, Siblings, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-23 13:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30056409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosesarered_Ihaveawii_noonecaresaboutme/pseuds/Rosesarered_Ihaveawii_noonecaresaboutme
Summary: Naomi and Noah have one demand for Cauldron in return for accurate information. They want to spend a nice time on a nice Earth (not Bet) and ogle at nice girls. Sure they have powers that could be a big game-changer in the fight against Scion but....the girls! Too bad Cauldron doesn't agree.
Kudos: 18





	1. Everything Is Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :). I might edit it and fix the grammar and whatnot.

"Here's all the relevant shit you need. How Scion was killed in the first place. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Can you pretty please send us to the nicest Earth with the hottest girls? We promise not to mess with your shtick" Noah put on his puppy eyes.

Contessa and Alexandria sat opposite them. The former took the tablet filled with information but didn't open it. The twins were not exactly in the room by their own will but they didn't hold grudges.

"You two have incredible powers. Much like Doormaker and you are a living pocket dimension. Both of you also have smaller but still useful sets of power." Alexandria noted.

"Yeah real loose cannons too." Naomi continued. "Can't be trusted on the same Earth. You should just exile us. Very untrustworthy. We could easily blurt out your secret. Anyways, I was thinking a truckload of money and we'd go trekking cross the world, a different one"

"That is false, anything you say will be discarded as crazy and cause even more disbelief in people. Not for lack of trying, but it's a rule with you two" Contessa replied.

"See? We already lied once! It's okay...I think I can manage not being on Earth Bet...forever. It might be hard at first, but what are humans if not adaptable?" Noah said with fake sincerity.

For some reason, the twins weren't in front of a beach with hot girls to ogle at as their just reward for helping Cauldron.

The reason was quickly uncovered when Alexandria talked. "We'd like you to help us"

"But we don't want to" Naomi complained (whined).

"Yeah. We've read that shit. It's total bullshit. We aren't going to traumatize ourselves, get all angst, and have a revenge plan for one or the other. I know how this will work out. We either die from the Elite, Fallen, Slaughterhouse Nine, Empire, Accord, or some other bullshit gang. Probably Naomi because she's not a good enough Brute. Then we get obsessed with killing our enemies. Instead of, oh I don't know, climbing Mount Everest or scuba diving" Noah ranted.

That's the main reason they wanted to stay away from Bet. Too corrupted. People say might say they're cowards but it's fucking common sense. Who wants a deathwish? Helping the protagonist was stupid anyways. What would that accomplish? A relationship built on lies? The Villegas twins were very sensible children. Hell, Naomi even quoted Buddha once in a smug form of pseudo-intelligence once. *cough* Teen Wolf *cough*. The sun, the moon, and the truth always come out or something like that.

The hero or villain game was out. Maybe if they were crazier they'd find it fun but they didn't find any fun in playing a cops and robbers game where it could risk their lives.

"I like rock climbing. It's been my life long dream since five days ago." She said seriously. "Earth Bet is bullshit. We won't be heroes. You can't convince us otherwise."   
XXX

"This is bullshit" Naomi said for hundredth time.

The twins were in matching outfits. White dress shirts, formal black pants for Noah and skirt for Naomi, black dress shoes, a tie and a weird ribbon bow for Naomi, and black suspenders. Noah personally thought that Contessa probably had fun designing their costumes behind her pathful smile in her kind path demeanor. Everything about her was path and it was subtly fucking with him.

He fixed his tie, that didn't need fixing, for the hundredth time and glared at himself in the mirror. "Everything is bullshit"

"Get ready to get blown away L.A." His sister said dryly. "The new Wards are coming to town."

Contessa's convincing power was bullshit.


	2. No Trauma Here, No Sir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naomi and Noah don't get traumatized. Trauma is for the weak! Feelings are for the weak!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay. Changed it to a two-shot! I'm like two different people at night and day. At night I write paragraphs with bad grammar and pat myself in the back thinking its good. At day I look at my work in disgust and am very pessimistic about everything. Day version of me sucks. Is it my sleeping schedule? It totally is. Lol.

Naomi created a portal and sent it forward, engulfing the mugger's body and the second door send him facedown right in front of their feet. No longer was the couple at gunpoint. The gun fired but the bullet only hit concrete. Almost mechanically, Noah took away the gun and ziptied the mugger.

"Hello, we're Wards. You're safe now" She said with a nice smile. "The cops will be picking him up now"

After that, the twins resumed on their patrol. "This is our _fourth_ crime we stopped. Wards are supposed to be show ponies" Noah groused.

" _Supposed_ to. I guess this is her revenge for calling her a bitch with no personality. And Alexandria doesn't mind since you called her Valleyxandria. It's your fault. I wouldn't be surprised if we have to go against something big." Naomi pointed out.

"I was being _funny"_ He huffed. "Some people just get butthurt---"

An explosion was visible on the middle of a highway. Naomi raised her eyebrows at Noah and he rolled his eyes.

"As if console would even let us go _near._ Kiss to Console" His jaw clenched at that second part. "Explosion on the I-10. Should we follow protocol?" Meaning that Wards stay away from danger and let the heroes handle it, the only reason he _asked_ was to show Naomi everything was under control.

" _Um wait"_ Calvin, the thirteen-year-old Ward, sounded _very_ overwhelmed right now. " _Hold up. Champion went alone to chase some villain and now he's like really really hurt in the explosion. You guys are the only ones near and strong enough to handle it. Shit. Gotta go"_ Noah's confidence dropped.

"Told---"

"Shut up. Let's just get Champion and go"

If it weren't for the fact that they were going to a dangerous situation, Naomi might have been smug. Instead, she was grim. She hoped Champion's regeneration would heal him quickly. And she sincerely hoped that this was not Contessa's doing. There wouldn't be any reason for it anyways.

A door opened in front of them, giving them clear view of the highway. Noah stepped inside, letting his body suck in the flames and smoke. His body was a door to a pocket dimension. Naomi stepped in after him. After everything cleared, they saw the scorched and cracked concrete, crashed cars, and the dead body.

It was sight to see. A black husk of what was once alive. Noah clenched his fists. This was exactly what he _didn't_ want.

A knot appeared in Naomi's stomach. She didn't know what to expect when encountering a dead body. She hoped to never see one. But she didn't burst into tears or vomit or curl up into a ball. Instead she shivered despite the heat and looked elsewhere for Champion.

It was worse seeing the people who were still alive crawling out of their burning cars. What she thought was Champion was next to a destroyed motorcycle and he was covered in burns. She was at a bit loss of what to do but remembered was Wards were for. To help people.

She touched Noah's shoulder. "Forget it. We gotta...we gotta help." Her voice didn't feel like working. "The people...cars. They can explode. Get a Thinker power to be more efficient or something."

He nodded quietly.

Noah started giving orders. Somehow they started helping. Getting people out of cars. Putting out extra fires. Stopping traffic from dumbasses with barricades.

Riptide and Qualm, protectorate heroes, came to help. Apparently Champion disobeyed orders to chase, Sensor, a smalltime tinker villain who had stolen some information from the PRT. Apparently his specialty was surveillance but he stole from a _weapons_ shop. And bombs. A lot of bombs. Since tinkers have their stuff malfunction sometimes, it was particularly easy for something to go wrong when Champion launched himself on a _moving motorcycle_ and increased his weight comparable to a truck.

They accepted the explanation and after they turned in their reports they went to their apartment without evidence of their night. Not even an inch of soot. Talking about feelings wasn't a Villegas family trait so they retreated to their rooms.

The next day, they smiled at their fellow Wards and only gave details about saving the people. No trauma here, no sir! Deflecting, ignoring, and avoiding _was_ a Villegas family trait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it a Contessa plot? A Simurgh plot? My plot? Why would there be a plot to traumatize and harden two OP teens? We'll never know! Because its a two-shot!

**Author's Note:**

> Bye :)


End file.
